ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
