There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
