i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
