I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
