we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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