Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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