proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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