Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
