dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
