Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
