this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
barbara walters just said penis...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
