I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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