if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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