it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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