p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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