Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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