Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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