Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
