I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
