I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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