Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
