Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
