Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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