DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
