remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
