new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
