So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
