I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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