just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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