I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
