Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
