my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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