Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
