I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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