The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
