I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
