In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
