my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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