Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
