You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
