meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
