new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
