Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
