and she was petting her beer can
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
