they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
