my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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