it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i will never coherently bang her
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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