I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
