I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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