You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
