Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
