I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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