it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
