I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
