I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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