Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
