i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
