You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
